Shunning, the Greater Sin

Shunning, the greater sin

      Unfortunately, some of us have been there. I wish that it wasn’t true, but it is. It happens in school, it happens in the family; it happens at work. We have family members that don’t understand you, don’t respect you or just don’t like your choices in life. They attempt all forms of persuasion from intimidation, threats, bullying, lies and then the secretive shunning. It’s the worst form of manipulation in my opinion and it is a form of passive aggressive bullying. It entails silence.

      Now, don’t get me wrong; I do believe that silence is a weapon. It can do great damage to an opponent. Too many times (especially in today’s world), people talk first before considering their words. Everyone has an opinion on something and with the use of the internet, everyone’s opinion is thrown at you. I personally blame Reality TV that instructs people to act badly and loudly. A silent response can leave your opponent more curious than a devious lie.

       Shunning is a weapon that leaves the (let’s call it the anti-recipient or AR, since there is no personal contact) anti-recipient wondering, wanting; curious about a response. Communication is part of the civilized person. We need that resource to receive feedback, to know our boundaries, to feel wanted, a soundboard to bounce off ideas, a person to vent our problems, a comrade to share with…

      Some people take advantage of these facts to shun other people from the group. The shunning that I am most concerned about is the mob against the individual, not mono-e-mono. Individual to individual is not necessarily a harmful recipe for disaster. Oh yes, a lost love, a scorned friend, an upset colleague can do limited harm. Stress levels teeter, anxiety increases, nervousness ensues, nails get bitten… “Should I pretend to not see them?” “Should I grunt?” “I have no more nails to bite off.”

     But “group shunning” is a greater harm to the AR. These people know this. That’s why they do it! Of course, the limited outcome is that the AR will give in to their wishes to make them happy so then everyone will talk to him or her. The long term problem has not been resolved. If the person wants to be an artist and the family shunned him so he would be forced to consider a more “responsible” job, then the artistic desire gets buried but never lost. That skill, that talent becomes bile. It leads to drinking, drugs; misery that AR may punish onto others. This bandaid solution makes the family happy but leaves the individual in an internal mess. The mess will come out. It will get worse. The mid-life crisis will excel into rebellion.

      The AR loses perspective, stress levels mount. The path that was meant for the shunned becomes lost. The shunners are interfering with the plan of the Universe or God’s. But we all know they have their excuses, their reasons for the abuse; their justification to collectively attack a single person.

     However, the other outcome is far worse. Your shunning isolates the individual from everything. No love, no compassion, no communication… The person turns inward, and feelings drift into negative resolutions. With no one to talk to, he is left to his/her own decisive thoughts, his own imaginings. His soundboard becomes the television, the radio; the internet. Every positive aspiration turns into a negative outcome. Thus, the eventual disownment of the family, or the AR. Which secretly, could be what some of the members wanted in the first place since it was too hard to understand the person.

      But then again, it turns into far worse, the lone wolf. Whenever I see the lone wolf on TV, I always wonder about the family and the friends. Where were they? What happened? Too easily, we blame the loner and feel sorry for the family. We blame drugs or mental disease. What happened? Where were you? I am not excusing the violent behaviors of lone wolves; I am asking that we be more considerate of those we isolate. The best defense against lone wolves is compassionate love and understanding, not stronger gun laws.

     Ironically, in this world, it is easy to be isolated. Sure, there’s more phones, email, internet, mail…instant gratification. But there is less physical human contact and there is a sinister side to all of this; a quicker means to shun someone. Block user, ignore phone, report spam… A lack of patience leads to a panic attack in the AR. “Why haven’t they answered me yet.”

     It’s easier to dismiss someone, ignore them, label them “too weird” and then decide that it is better to avoid them. That’s where it starts. One person and then another person turns their back, and then the AR becomes reclusive by mob choice and then retreats from meanness. What other choice does he/she have? Did you offer honey or vinegar?

      Shunning is not and never will be a responsible way of dealing with a person. A mob against one person is not fair game. It may be empowering to the shunners but in the longer scheme of things, it is disrespectful to yourself as well as others. Not only are you teaching the AR bad behavior but you are teaching members of your mob the same lesson. Sure, you’re in power this time, but next time, you are the black sheep. What will you do then? Commit suicide? Grab a gun? Or wait for your turn to do it to someone else?

      Hiding in the breadth of the mob does not equate that your sin is divvied out in smaller percentages dependent upon the size of the group. There is no “spin” that God will buy and he will not tolerate your blame game.

     The reason that I am sharing these thoughts is because I want you to “Stop it!” There’s nothing that shows your immaturity more than when a group of people shun an individual to make his/her life miserable so they can instill power over them. The real power is being compassionate, understanding, opening your heart to the person rather than closing it off. Your soul is important; not the perception and acceptance in a group. I know that it’s the harder route.

      It’s easier to be a baby brat and stick out your tongue at the person. You may feel empowered for the day but in the long run, things will turn over. Thus, in the end, you will be the loser.

Good luck with your choice.